Humour

RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD


Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Confusianism: Confucius says: shit happens
Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.
TV Evangalism: Send more shit.
Atheism: No shit.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Jehovahs Witness: Knock, knock, shit happens.
Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.


Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.


A WRINKLE IN TIME

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"
"Yes," the grandpa replied.
"Did God make you too?"
"Yes," the grandpa said.
"Well," the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"


CONCISE CREATIVE WRITING

A university creative writing class is asked to write essays containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay reads: "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"


WRONG KIND OF COLLECTION

A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate. So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch. Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too. Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week. Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each. The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"Shit!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT XMAS

1. Did you get any under the tree? 2. I think your balls are hanging too low. 3. Check out Rudolph's honker! 4. Santa's sack is really bulging. 5. Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff. 6. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake? 7. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. 8. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. 9. Can I interest you in some dark meat? 10. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.


Y2K NOSTALGIA

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited on the eve of the millennium to have dinner with God. After a little bit of small talk, God informed them that he would be destroying the earth the next day. Upon returning to earth, they each made announcemnts.
"I have two piece of bad news," said Boris Yeltsin. "One, God does exist. Two, all of the earth will be destroyed tomorrow."
"I have some good news and some bad news," said Bill Clinton. "First, the good -- God does exist. And the bad -- the earth will be destroyed tomorrow."
"I have some great news!" said Bill Gates. "One, I'm one of the three most important people on earth. Two, we've got this Y2K thing solved!"

A WANNA FIND JESUS?

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.
"Sure," said the drunk man. "I'll find Jesus." So the priest took the drunk man's head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging.
"Damn," said the drunk man. "Are you sure he fell in there?"

WEST VIRGINIA'S YEARLY CONFUSION

Q: What is the most confusing day in West Virginia?

A: Father's Day.


YOGA INSTRUCTOR BOOTY CALL... PAST

In my past life I was a horse; now I'm just hung like one.

DON'T MAKE ME BIBLE BELT YOU

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

JESUS IS GONNA GET YOU

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried.
"What's your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dumbass named you Moses?"
"The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."

EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank-you notes to write.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
''How come?''

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two-letter words that denote small?
Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.







10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

THE POWER OF GOD CAN'T RAISE YOUR LOAD

One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening to a holy station on the radio. They were about 98 years old and so frail, they couldn't walk to church.
The preacher said, ''If you put one hand on the radio and one hand on whatever you want healed I will heal it for you.''
So the old woman put one hand on the radio and one hand on her heart.
The old man tried to not let the old woman see but he put one hand on the radio and one hand on his penis.
The old woman looked over and said, ''He said he could heal, not raise the dead!''

ZEN SAUSAGE
Previous
Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SCOTTISH...

What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat?
The Dolly Llama.


YOGA INSTRUCTOR BOOTY CALL... PAST

In my past life I was a horse; now I'm just hung like one.

WEST VIRGINIA'S YEARLY CONFUSION

Q: What is the most confusing day in West Virginia?

A: Father's Day.

HEAL THE WORLD

A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives he sees that there is a long line to the Pearly Gates. After some time he hears a commotion behind him and turns to see a man in a long white coat with a stethoscope in the pocket cutting past everone. He strides right through the gates without a pause and past everyone who had been waiting forever. When the man gets to St. Peter he says, "Say, who was that guy who cut past everybody and walked right through?" St. Peter replied, "Oh. That's God. Sometimes he likes to think he's a doctor."



HEAL THE WORLD

A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives he sees that there is a long line to the Pearly Gates. After some time he hears a commotion behind him and turns to see a man in a long white coat with a stethoscope in the pocket cutting past everone. He strides right through the gates without a pause and past everyone who had been waiting forever. When the man gets to St. Peter he says, "Say, who was that guy who cut past everybody and walked right through?" St. Peter replied, "Oh. That's God. Sometimes he likes to think he's a doctor."




NED: THE MOST POPULAR MAN IN THE WORLD

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.
"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."
"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"
"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.
"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.
Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"
"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,
"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."
"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"



WORK GENESIS

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, ''It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.''
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, ''It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.''
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, ''It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.''
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, ''It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.''
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, ''It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.''
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, ''It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.''
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, ''This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects.''
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is how Shit Happens.


DEEDS VS. WORDS

There was a long line of souls before the gate of Heaven and Hell. Waiting on line beside each other were two residents of New York City, a taxi driver and a priest and they started chatting to kill the time. Finally, it was the taxi driver's turn to be judged; after talking with God for a few minutes, he was allowed to enter heaven. The priest came after him and had his few minutes with God. He, however, was sent to hell.
Needless to say, the priest was pretty surprised by this turn of events and asked God why he, who had constantly talked to people about God, had been sent to hell and a taxi driver was going to heaven. God replied, " We judge whether one goers to heaven not by the words he has said but the deeds he has done on the earth. While you talked about God, people slept, but they all remembered me when he drove."


THE DEACON'S LAST WORDS

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.

The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.

At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."

The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

PRIEST AND RABBI IN THE WOODS

A priest and a rabbi walk through the woods and come upon a little boy.

The rabbi says, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

The priest says, "Screw him."

The rabbi says, "Yes, but outta what?"

WALKING IN A DOGGIE WONDERLAND

To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland":

Dog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
It's yellow, not white -- I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's my property.
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast,
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."



WOMEN IN HEAVEN

Q: Why do only 40% of men go to Heaven?

A: If they all went, it would be hell.


WHY DID GOD GIVE WOMEN...

Q: Why did God give women more brain cells than cows?
A: So that women don't shit themselves when you play with their tits.


Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: One, there's too much front-end protrusion Two, it chatters at high speeds. Three, the rear end wobbles too much. Four, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."









NUN VS. WOMAN

What's the difference between a nun on her knees in a church, and a woman on her knees in a bathtub?

The nun has hope in her soul and the woman has soap in her hole.



HE DEVOUT CATHOLIC WOMAN

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"

The priest replied, "I mean her legs."


WHY MAN BEFORE WOMAN

Q: Why did God create man before woman?

A: He needed a rough draft before he made a final copy.


AMISH WOMAN DRIVER

An Amish lady trots down the road in her horse and buggy when a cop pulls her over. "Ma'am," says the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responds the Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around his balls. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away," instructs the cop.

Later, the lady tells her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"He said the reflector is broken," she tells her husband.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asks Jacob.

She says, "I'm not sure, Jacob -- something about the emergency brake."


MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION

After praying nonstop for eight years, God finally decided to grant a man three wishes.
"I wish for the coolest cars in the universe."
"Done."
"I wish for the most luxurious mansion in the universe."
"Done."
"And I wish for the best woman in the world."
So God sent him Mother Theresa.




CHRISTMAS GIFTS A WIFE CAN CHOOSE

Three men discuss the Christmas presents they bought for their wives.

The first man says that he bought his wife a vacation home in the Bahamas and one in Jamaica. "That way," he explains, "if she doesn't like one, she can use the other."

The second man says he had bought his wife a sports car and a limo for exactly the same reason.

The third man says, "I bought my wife a negligee and a vibrator. That way, if she doesn't like the negligee, she can go screw herself."




WHY TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

-- You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

-- If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

-- The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

-- You don't have to keep in touch with the person who gives you some.

-- 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

-- If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

-- It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning with pleasure.

-- You can do the whole neighborhood.


WHY GOD CREATED MAN

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?" "Man will be a flawed creature, with many wreteched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?"
Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."


WHY HANUKKAH IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS

1. There''s no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special" 2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway). 3. No need to clean the chimney. 4. There's no latke-nog. 5. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs. 6. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals. 7. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown". 8. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl". 9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards. 10. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.


WHY CAN'T SKELETONS PLAY MUSIC IN ...

Q: Why can't skeletons play music in church?
A: Because they've got no organs.


WALKS INTO A BAR... THE WHOLE GANG

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"


WHO IS GOD?

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both, son, God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both, son, both."

"Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes, son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and asks, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"


BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER

What''s black, white, red all over, and doesn''t fit through revolving doors?
A nun with a spear through her head.


RED, WHITE & BLUE CHRISTMAS

Q: What's red, white and blue and makes the entire community happy?

A: Smurfette deep-throating a candy cane.


BLACK WHITE BLACK

Q: What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?

A: A nun falling down stairs.


BLACK WHITE BLACK

Q: What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?

A: A nun falling down stairs.


WHERE IS GOD?

A couple had two mischievous little boys, ages eight and 10. At their wits' end, the parents contacted a clergyman who had been successful in rehabilitating bad children in the past.

The clergyman asked to see the boys individually. The eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and asked what happened.

The younger brother replied, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!"


MEALS ON WHEELS

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.


MEALS ON WHEELS

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.


WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

A very old, but respected man walked into a local tavern. He looked around at the decor and realized it was the holiday season. He saw his neighbor, drunk out of his mind. The old man stepped up to the neighbor and asked him a question, "Jack do you know what difference between the baby Jesus and your wife?"
"No," replied the dead drunk man.
"Well the baby Jesus slept with a jackass one night, your wife sleeps with one every night."


WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS, FATHER?

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin sticks out of his torn coat pocket.

He opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"It's caused by loose living, cheap women and too much alcohol!"

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.

The priest thinks about what he has said, nudges the man and apologizes. "I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does!"


WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JESUS AND...

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.


TOP TEN WAYS THE BIBLE IS OUT OF DATE

10) Who the hell Begets anymore?

9) Memo to Adam: Ditch the apples, try chocolate!

8) Saint Peter wouldn't do the actual judging -- he'd hire a temp.

7) Ten plagues and God never thought of daytime talk shows?

6) All this smiting and no one filed a suit against God?

5) “Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy?” -- GO FORTY-NINERS!
4) Why did Moses spend all his time parting seas when there are all those great legs out there?

3) How can you trust someone who turns water into wine?

2) Satan provides free heating, work for everyone, never evicts you and doesn't give a damn about your credit rating. This is bad HOW?

1.) Out with “Into the ark, two by two,” in with Jerry Springer love triangles!'


NEW WAY FOR THE NUNS

Two nuns rides their bikes down a lane. The first nun says, "I've never come this way before!"

The second nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestone."


.J. JAMAL: MAKE A WAY

I've been walking for a half a mile -- I'm tired. I'm looking at a car that's running with the keys in it. My first impression was 'Lord, I said make a way.' I thought that was the Lord's way of saying, 'A.J., get in and ride!'


THE HOLY WATER

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours.
After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did. The first nun says, ''I had sex with two men at one time.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'' The second nun tells the priest, ''I robbed a bank for $25,000.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''
The third nun tells the priest, ''I killed a woman that I have wanted dead all my life.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''
The priest said to the fourth nun, ''Okay, what sin did you commit.''
The fourth nun says, ''I pissed in the holy water.'''


WALKING ON WATER

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a rabbi fish in a lake. The preacher has to use the bathroom, so he walks across the water, does his business and walks back. Then the rabbi has to go, so he walks across the water, does his business and walks back.

The Catholic has to go, but when he gets out he falls into the water. He swims back, gets back into the boat, and says, "God, let me walk across the water." He tries again and falls into the water, swims back, tries again and falls again.

The Baptist leans over to the rabbi and asks, "Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?"


OLY WATER + CASTOR OIL

Q: What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil?

A: A religious movement.


AMISH LEG WARMERS

There's this Amish girl and she tells her mom that her hands are cold. So her mom tells her to put them between her legs to get them warm. So she does and it surprisingly works.
The next day, her Amish boyfriend says his hands are cold so she tells him to put them between her legs. He does and it works, so he tells her his penis is cold and she tells him to put it between her legs.
She goes home and says,''Hey mom, do you know what a penis is?''
"Yes," her mom says.
The girl says, ''Did you know they're really messy when they thaw out?"


ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR

This old guy goes into a church in a small town in the hills of Italy and asks the priest to hear his confession.
The priest listens and then asks, "Is there anything else?''
The old guy says, ''During the war, when I was young, a beautiful Germam girl came to my farm after escaping and asked me if I would hide her. I told her I would if she provided me with sexual favors.''
The priest replies, ''Don't worry about it. It was wartime and you both were under a lot of pressure.''
The old guy says, ''Does that mean that I have to tell her that the war is over?'''


WAR BOARDER

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"


I WANT MY BABY BACK RIBS

God was talking to Adam one day when Adam begins to lament. "God I'm lonely, I need a companion?" God replies, "Adam, I have the perfect person for you, she's beautiful, she's generous, and she'll be yours forever" "Adam, excited about the news begins to thank God over and over.sound great, but then stops and asks God, "Wait a minute, how much is she going to cost me?" "An arm and a leg," God replied jokingly. "That's pretty steep" said Adam, "What can I get for a rib?"


THE SHINY-WALLED BOX THINGIE

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."


SLEEP WALKING NUN

What do you call a nun who sleep walks?
A roamin' Catholic.


CHURCH VS. BATHTUB

Q: What is the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bubble bath?

A: One has a soul full of hope and the other has a hole full of soap.


BATH VS. CHURCH

Q: What is the difference between a woman kneeling at church and a woman kneeling in the bath?
A: The woman kneeling at church has hope in her soul...


HEAVEN VS. HELL

One night, God visits a preacher.

The preacher has one question, "What is Heaven like?"

God replies, "Heaven is like a city. It has the best of everything. For example, the French are the chefs, the Italians are the lovers, the English are the policeman, the Germans are the mechanics, and the Dutch are the politicians."

"What is Hell like?" he asks.

"Well," he sighs, "the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the politicians, the English are the chefs, the Germans are the policemen, and the Dutch are the lovers."



ST. PAUL VS. MINNEAPOLIS

Q: Why did everyone in Minneapolis quit going to church and lose their faith?

A: There are a dozen or so pages in the Bible about St. Paul, but nothing about Minneapolis.


PRIEST VS. HOMOSEXUAL

What is the difference between a priest and a homosexual?
The way they say ahhhh-men.


HE VOW OF CELEBRACY

The Pope dies and goes to Heaven. A committee of angels tell him that he can enjoy any of the recreations available. The Pope decides to read all the original Holy Scriptures and spends the next eon learning the ancient languages.
After becoming a linguistic master, the Pope sits down and pours over every version of the Bible. Suddenly, he screams loudly. The angel librarian asks him what's wrong.
The Pope cries out, "The R! They left out the R!"
"What do you mean?" the angel asks.
The Pope sobs, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."

THE JEWISH VOTE

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.
He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."

E-VIL

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.
She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."
She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:
"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.
Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."
The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."
Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."
A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.
Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."
There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.
A new page appears.
It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."


MARIA'S VIDA LOCA

Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A few weeks later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward.
"At least they're finally together."
"Excuse me, Father," says one of her sons, "but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
"I mean her legs."


LAS VEGAS PRO

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."


VALENTINE'S DAY FLOWERS

A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones.

Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns.

The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home.

After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift. She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."

With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."



SPELL L-O-V-E

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. God told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into heaven. God leaves and a man comes floating up and says, ''Please let me in to heaven.''
The other man says, ''I have to give you a test first.''
The man coming into heaven says, ''Oh jeez I'm not too good at tests!''
The other man says, ''Spell LOVE'' The man spells it, and he is let into heaven.
Then a woman comes floating up and says, ''Please let me into heaven,'' and the man replies, ''Only if you pass this test.''
The woman says, ''Oh no, I'm not very good at tests.''
The man says, ''Your test is to spell LOVE.''
She spells it correctly, and is let into heaven.
The next person that comes floating up is the man's wife. She says, ''OK honey, let me in to heaven.''
The man says, ''I have to give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven.''
She says, ''OK, make it an easy one!!!''
Then the man says, ''Spell Hemorrhoid.''


UPHOLDING THE CLOTH

A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn respectable. So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her.
"Oh, my child," he said, "your dress is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," she replied.
The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked.
"Oh, my child," said the priest, "your conversation is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," said the prostitute.
Finally, the priest sat her down and said, "Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you."
And the prostitute said, "Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing."


DON'T DO UNTO OTHERS

An Irish man with a crooked back walks into a coffee shop and sees Jesus sitting in the corner reading the paper. He tells the waitress, "Please send Jesus a cup of coffee, on me." So the waitress takes Jesus a cup of coffee.
Then an Arabic man with arthritis walks into the coffee shop and sees Jesus sitting in the corner. He says to the waitress "Send Jesus a muffin, on me." So the waitress sends Jesus a muffin.
Finally an American man in a wheelchair rolls into the coffee shop and sees Jesus in the corner. He says to the waitress, "Tell Jesus I'll cover his bill." So the waitress tells Jesus.
As Jesus was leaving the coffee house he says to the Irish man, "Thank you for the free coffee. Be healed!" Jesus touches the man's shoulder, and he was miraculously healed.
Then Jesus went over to the Arabic man and said, "Thank you for the free muffin. Be healed!" Jesus lightly tapped the man's shoulder, and he was healed.
Then jesus went over to the American man and said, "Thank you for covering my bill. Be healed!"
As Jesus leaned over to touch him, the man yelled, "Don't touch me man! I'm on workers comp!!"


UNAPPRECIATED HANUKKAH GIFT

A Jewish guy's mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one.

As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, "What -- you didn't like the other one?"


SAINT PATRICK'S DAY TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to satisfy and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks hideous.
FAULT: Either you haven't had enough to drink, or they've flipped on the lights for last call.


PRIESTS AND CHRISTMAS TREES

Q: What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?

A: Their balls are just for decoration.


THE LEGEND OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE ANGEL

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...


AN TRAGEDY, AND ACCIDENT, AND A GREAT LOSS

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If Air Force One carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."


HOLIDAY EATING TIPS - FOR THE SANE

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.


THE LOTTERY TICKET

John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray. ''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money. My mom needs surgery and I have bills to pay. Please let me win the lottery.'' He left the synagogue, a week went by, and he didn't win the lottery. So, he went to a mosque and started to pray again. ''You're starting to disappoint me, God,'' he said. ''I've prayed and prayed. If you just let me win the lottery, I'll be a better person. I don't have to win the jackpot, just enough to get me out of debt. I'll give some to charity, even. Just let me win the lottery.'' John thought this did it, so he got up and walked outside.
The clouds opened up and a booming voice said, ''John, buy a fucking lottery ticket.''


THREE COUPLES AND CHURCH

Three couples want to join a church, but the pastor has a rule that all new members must go three weeks without having sex.
Three weeks go by and the first couple comes back. The pastor says, "So how did it go?"
"It was pretty hard, but we made it," says the first couple.
"Well, welcome to our church," says the pastor.
The second couple comes back and the pastor asks them the same question. Their reply is the same as the first couple's.
The third couple comes back and the pastor asks them the same question, and they reply, "Well, we were doing pretty well until last night when she bent over to pick up that can of pork and beans and I just put it to her."
"Well, I'm sorry, but you're not welcome to our church," says the pastor.
"That's okay," says the third couple, "We're moving. We're not welcome at the grocery store either."


THREE NUNS GET QUIZZED IN HEAVEN

Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in.

The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." Lights flash and the gates open.

The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Puzzled, the nun is says, "Hmmm, that's a hard one." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.


THREE NUNS

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?"
The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking,

"What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"


THREE HYMNS

One Sunday, a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor noticed that someone had contributed a $100 bill. Extremely grateful, he wanted to personally thank the generous person before the whole congregation.

A quiet, elderly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she pointed to the three handsomest men in the congregation: "I'll take him and him and him."


ADAM, EVE, AND GOD MAKES THREE

"God," said Adam, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?"
"So you would love her."
"But why did you make her so dumb?"
"So she would love you."


THOUGHTS ON RELIGION

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack senseless features onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail from god.

Q: Some people say God is Love. A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question.'
]

LITTLE JOHNNY... THANKSGIVING GREETINGS

One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean. They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."

The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean. His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats."

At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh fuck!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut."

A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas -- we can't wait to fuck the turkey!"


TEXAS SPHINCTERS

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football."
And it was good.
Later that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence."
With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed it on the helmet of silver and blue.
God said, "Let it be called, ''The Dallas Cowboys'' - America''s team."
Later that day, God said, "Even Cowboys need assholes."
So he made their fans.
'

TEXAS A&M NATIVITY LOSS

Q: Why couldn't Texas A&M put on a nativity scene?

A: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.


A JEWISH TEMPLE IS LOOKING FOR A

A Jewish temple is looking for a way to get the congregation to go to temple on Saturdays. When one of the presidents of the congregation was at a comedy show, he saw a hypnotist. He thought, if he can hypnotize these people, he could probably hypnotize the congregation into coming to temple on Saturdays. So he hired the man, and sure enough, the next time the whole congregation was in temple, he had the hyptmatist perform.......
"Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch," he said.
Then he accidently dropped the watch he said,"SHIT!!!!"
Then it took 3 weeks to clean up the temple.


TEACHER ARRESTED

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."


ST. PATRICK TAUNTS

Three Englishmen drink in a bar and spot an Irishman in the corner.

The first Englishman starts to taunt the Irishman, "Did you know that St. Patrick was a sissy?"

"Oh, no, I didn't know that. Thank you."

The second Englishman yells, "Did you know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"

"Oh, no, I didn't know that. Thank you."

The third Englishman yells, "Did you know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"

"Oh, no. But that's what your friends have been trying to tell me."


JASON KULLER: AWKWARD DIRTY TALK

My last girlfriend wanted me to talk dirty to her in the bed. I'm no wildman in the sack. Don't let the glasses and the hip threads fool you. I had a hard time with the degrading, profane language because I was raised a proverbial nice, Jewish boy. So this is how I would talk dirty to her -- it's embarrassing -- 'You really like my schmeckle, don't you? I am gonna schtupp you so hard. Don't make me stick it in your tushie.'


NOAH'S ARK - A MODERN TALE

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.''

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.''

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked, hopefully.

''Wrong!'' thundered the Lord. ''But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.''

''What's that?'' asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

''Government.''


ANDRE KELLEY: ADULT TABLE

This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults' table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.


REASONS SANTA CAN'T BE A MAN

Men can't pack a bag.
Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho," thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.


SWITCHEROO

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him and says, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to Heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped.
The second room has someone being burned by a torch.
The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found your replacement."


DEFINITION OF SUSPICIOUS

What is the definition of suspicious?
A nun doing sit-ups in a cucumber field.


BRANDY FOR THE MOTHER SUPERIOR

Sister Mary Katherine walks into Jack's liquor store and says, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaims Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responds, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice drops. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So, Jack sells her the brandy. Later that night as Jack walks home, he passes the convent. Sister Mary Katherine is singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird. A crowd gathers, so Jack pushes through and exclaims, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me the brandy was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine replies, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"



BILL GATES, SUPER EGO

One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton, Colin Powell, and Bill Gates. He said to them, ''I've called you here because you are the 3 most influential spokepersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he's blowing up the world tomorrow.''
So, Bill Clinton went back and said, ''Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he's blowing up the world tomorrow.''
Colin Powell went back and said, ''I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he's blowing up the world tomorrow.''
Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the Internet and said, '' I have some good news. The first part of the good news is I've been voted one of the 3 most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is the Y2K problem is solved.''


SUNDAY SCHOOL DAZE

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it. So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep. The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.

"Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"

William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!"

And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary."

Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.

"Who died on the cross for our sins?"

William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!"

Once again, she goes back to sleep. This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to
Adam?"

William pokes her again. Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"


A SMART BLONDE, A STUPID BLONDE AND SANTA ...

A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus play poker, who wins?

The stupid blonde because the other two don't exist.


HE STORY OF HANUKKAH

Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is describing his new Playstation 2 to John.

"Where did you get that?" John asked

"I got it last night for Hanukkah," said Stan.

"What''s Hanukkah?" John asked.

"It''s the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights."

"Wow, I wish we got that!" John exclaimed. The next day on the way to school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got. He sees that Stan is upset, "What''s wrong? Where''s your present from last night?" asks John.

Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper, "It was leftovers night."


A BUNNY STORY

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road.

Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. Once the man knew what had happened, he quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, laying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter bunny.

The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter bunny!"

The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertable. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.

The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter Day, and it's all my fault."

The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.

Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"

The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."


STATUES COME TO LIFE

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years.

An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

The statues came to life and smiled at each other. They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Giggling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"


ST. PETER ASKS THE BLONDES ABOUT EASTER

Three blondes die and go to St. Peter. He says, "I have one question, and if you get it right, I will let you into Heaven."

He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

She answers, "That's the time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey."

St. Peter says to the next blonde, "What is Easter?"

She answers, "That's the time of year when the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney and our family gets together to open presents."

St. Peter asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?"

She says, "That's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb behind a rock."

"That's right!" exclaims St. Peter.

"Then, once a year," continues the third blonde, "we roll the stone away and he comes out, and if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter."


JESUS GIVES SPEECH

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.

''He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone." Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.

''Ouch, Mom! I hate when you do that!"


SOME CHARACTER

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?

ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."

Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!



DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GIRL AND SOAP

A girl praying in the church has hope in her soul.

A girl bathing has soap in her hole!!!


FROSTY THE SNOWMAN'S PANTS

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?

A: He heard the snowblower coming.


SLIPPERY SLOPE

A nun was walking down the corridor when suddenly she trips up.
She yells out in pain, "Oh Christ! Oh God, I said Christ! Oh shit, I said God! Oh, fuck, I said shit! Oh, who wants to be a fucking nun anyway?


SLEEPWALKING NUN

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A Roamin' Catholic.